i want to be the one you tell everything to at 4am when you can’t sleep
I wish I could be more.
I keep a lot to myself. Thinking a million things while speaking ten things.
It usually hits the hardest when it’s 2a.m. and I can’t stop tossing and turning. So I go to grab my phone, just to remember that I am alone. Although, sometimes it feels like my chest is on fire and my lungs are filled with smoke, or like a chain is wrapped around my neck, causing me to choke. It just isn’t fair how you’re bathing in the sun, when all I get is to shower in the rain. It isn’t fair how you’re content, while I’m over here crying in pain. Did this mean anything to you at all? Or was it your plan all along, to drop me after you caught me in the fall?
I know I shake when you don’t call and I feel like I can’t breathe when you forget to tell me you love me. I know that sometimes the words that come spilling out of my mouth at 3 AM make me sound crazy. I know that I love you a little too much. I know everything really hurts right now. I hope you know that I will always be here to keep the blood inside your veins. I hope you know that I will always be here to kiss you goodnight even if I fall asleep crying afterwards. I hope you know that you are the only reason I’ve still got stars hidden under my skin. I hope you know that you are the only thing that keeps the flowers in my lungs from dying. I know we’re fucked up. I know that sometimes I make you feel like you’re choking. I hope you know that I’m sorry. I hope you know that I see you in everything. I hope you know that it’s okay. I hope you know that you’re all I want. I hope you know that I think you’re wonderful. I hope you know that I think you’re every sunset and every thunderstorm and every cup of tea in the universe. I hope you know that you are my entire galaxy. I hope you know that I love you.
And I learned ‘You deserve better’
was sometimes no more
than a synonym for ‘I don’t want to hurt you,
and I want you to be happy,
but I don’t love you anymore.